Million Billion Trillion

Loch Linnhe into fort william in the bitter evenings, snow dust on the moutain tops and fading hours of afternoon light.

approx 2 miles, flat with arguably the most beautiful scenery in the world every single step of the way.

Last week was so cool, my only changes this week is less social and more training. need to get my run in before my food and my food in before 7. need more sleep time too. Nutrition good, more fish, red meat this week, no detox, ill do that after mid year event. i dont want to lose training time on feeling tired from de-tox. not that i really have to anyway, i eat so little red meat, processed foods and hardly ever drink. coffee is really the only evil. So, this week
- monday - go to lecs, run early, hoops with lukey and med run in the squishy unbearable park
- tues - get up to date with theo and philos, long run, weights, abd
- wed - tuts, coffee with cool new friend sarah, intervals, Pete and J's to mind SEB!
-thurs - class, Si, early pm run, massage after run, shopping, drive to farm
- fri - work early - hills/paddock run - 4
- sat - work early - hills/paddock run - 4
- sun - work early - drive back to perth - pm church - no run

Read my Bible am, remember God all day, pray, meditate, LOVE

don't worry about the rest! enjoy the weather, having class 200m from the beach and having moores vibes sailboat me thru the best days, the everydays, of life.

Life...is still so good.

Favorite run locations: i dont want any of these places or peoeple to slip away.

Description: running in the long grass, making your own path, isle of mull, blue and cloudy summer day, seagulls, library, statues of beautiful women, jam for grandma, stalker castle and silence

*i want to say, every minute of the day, the faithfulness of God takes my breath away. I know i have a million struggles and God knows what they are and im no where near perfected, but I really want to see Him and be close to Him always. Jesus' love is different to ours, He never turns it away, it never gets colder, i mean the pain sometimes stays, but 'God's faithfulness' are the words that fit the definition of 'me' and Im praying for the strength to honor Him with my life, come what may.

small sideline distraction at the moment is running and nutrition, im doing it on purpose because its such a great metaphor for life. I run like Im carrying the message that saves the world to the edge of the earth: and that is truer than we know. I love it, and my ongoing love affair with struggle and hardness, mountains and impasse. Its always a three way battle body, soul and mind, but when they're all on the same path, running the same race its an eagle dropping out of the big sky and lifting you up so high. And nutrition is so cool, i love organising what im eating and thinking about what its got in it, and whats its going to be good for and how much energy im going to have on my next run because of it.

So much in my life is out of my control, it especially feels like it right now, so this is my One Thing and it makes me feel strong - body. And God is my One, who gives my spirit strength and I know what He has planned for me is somthing so great, it makes also makes me scared. And then my heart, which wants a human hand to hold, well its getting really fine at being alone. alone and lonely are different things though.

my goals for the week:
- fish, nuts, raw vege, berries, potatoes, mushrooms, tomatoes, eggs...etc yum yum yum!
- no coffee....no Moores/:
- monday - long run, visit Marianne
- tuesday - 10 k ride, short run, sprints
- wed - med run, sprints, pay credit card
- thurs - rest day - , take Nan to movies for her birthday
- fri - med run, sprints
- sat - event!!!
- church, recover run, try my new skirt on....please fit!!!!!

pray points: I remember God before He reminds me, that i find a way over this church-folk phobia, I speak up and not get nervous in Theology class, be a better friend and not so selfish.

Did we put adventure into a box
And buy a plan ticket
To all we think we do not know
Away from all we think we do know

In figuring all the big wide world out
Did we step over
This one

Do we only listen to the sweet voice of the morning
When it is coming over a distant sea
Did we miss the begging
Of this little tide
Drinking at our feet?

Have I an open mind
If i ever think i know exactly
What the untamed road is supposed to look like

When I recognize the off beat path as something out of an old dream
And not even notice dogwood park gets wilder every spring.
or
Have a I just a closed up mind in an opened up box and a piece of paper in my hand?

dare I venture into these inglorious days and find a story worth bragging about, a little crack in the door letting common light shine on a old piece of glass,

(because you dont have to have a Bintang singlet to prove you go places and see things like I do every second of everyday)

ahhh, im so embarrassed!

he's getting into his car, i walk out of the cafe into the streaming sun and the wind pics up my hair, i throw a shy glance, he looks, smiles...

when he has driven off i run and skip and quickly go to the bathroom to talk to myself in the mirror about what a landmark occassion that just was...

BIG CHOCOLATE MUG PRINT ACROSS MY FACE...............(from my piggy cappacino)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and come to think of it, that smile he had for me was a kinda 'whats that on her face smile/enquiry'

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im SUCH a nutter

This moment feels poised to me
Does it feel poised to you?
Yeah, like there is more to it than just what is going on
Were not just sitting here eating dipping bread
I want to be kissed by you
Is that ok?
I mean I don’t want you to kiss me out of pity or anything
Do you want to know why I want to be kissed by you?
Because I don’t feel safe
I don’t have control of anything
If I touch the precious leaf it will close
I feel like everything is slipping through my hands
And if someone, you know like a strong man
Were to tell me differently
I would believe him, I want to would believe him.
I hardly know you, but I trust you.
So, will you do it?

this weekend, ive taken off studying or anything uni related (busy family weekend and having a really stressed cloudy state of mind) and ive done loads of things instead, mostly runnning, riding and some swimming too; im trying to clear my head, its so thick and this weather doesnt seem to help, desert hot, perfect for this type of languishing(; then this morning in church, clarity and peace of mind...almost energy. I havent gone to church in such a long time (well documented issues with 'christianity' i suppose, not sure of what to call it) but more recently this was also things like not reading my bible either, praying but just coldly. I really liked this passage he read from Deuteronomy 8. Remeber how the Lord God LED you in the wilderness, to HUMBLE thee, and to PROVE thee, to know that thou would KEEP his commandments,or no.
and he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger and fed thee with manna, that thou might know that MAN SHOULD NOT LIVE BY BREAD ONLY, BUT BY EVERY WORD THAT PROCEEDETH OUT OF THE MOUTH OF THE LORD DOTH MAN LIVE.

It speaks about God's hand in our life, and it seems like basic christian stuff; humility, obedience, faithfulness, relationship, repentance...and remembering God in your blessings

and leads me on to think of Philipian 1:6, He that hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ...(roughly quoted, i didnt check it)

This is what i mean about square 1. im always here, pottering around being stressed and walking in zig zigs, then enduring a humbleing episode without actually being humbled, if ever there was a person who would blindly allow themselves to walk in circles for 40 years, it just might be me. i guess thats what i found hopeful about today. Uni atm is all job applications and interveiwing etc and i am really beginning to FREAK as ususal, what am i doing here? do i really want to be a nurse? where do i want to go when school is finally out? india? canada? us? uk? stay in aus and go outback? indian ocean territories? there really is no limitations and thats what is driving me insane! what do i want?....what should i be doing next? and where? I felt such relief from striving just from remembering these things about how God rules my life. and this other thing about the responsibilities of nursing and having patient loads and working for a business profit driven organisation. ive not really struggled at all with the academics or learning, but i have in situations where patients are dying and/or in distress and the weight of it has potential to overcome. and again, some peace about this and the true mission, which is the above, and to tell others about the love of Christ. I feel more confident.
And i was thinking, i take meticulous care of my body, controlling vitamins and nutrients,organic, chemical free! fitness, condition etc.....but i must be really starving my spirit and Im going to make that my priority again. I have always wanted just to be told this is your job, this is where you are going to be and what you will do....and facing so many possibilities seems like a burden, but I hope God will point somthing out soon, and hope its written in a beam of light because im pretty good at missing obvious, important, major road sign postage....back to the desert. i remembered then the spies who came back with different reports and how most of me is about all the dragons i see and a struggleing small part is about the milk and honey.

you know its sad, i had to be reminded this morning that Jesus is coming back. and i was so glad to hear it and then sad that i hadnt thought it in ages. and that verse, about God beginning a work in you that WILL be performed..is not really about getting all of my questions answered out, but about getting to this/these point/s and living it daily for the rest of my days. Nothing else is more important.

Im going running now, trying to get to half marathon fitness by may (big shout to ANNE who is doing her Bangladesh marathon training, im with you, well 1/2 with you! then i will, hopefully, event in august. Tonight chuch is a mission in India and im going to be torn and want to pack and go immediately, just waiting for the go ahead from You(0:

Life is Good. can't you see?

hills salty river a thousand birds
monsoon rain martini smokes
rave desert empty friendly
ready to love
but not you
and ready to leave
the moment im thru.

a few years ago i had some heart health problems that meant i wasnt supposed to run, but im so much better now. and it feels 10000000 times more euphoric everytime i think of it. it seems like when youve come through something that feels like it will swallow you, well, it feels like then there is nothing that can swallow you. you feel your blood pulsing, your heart racing, sweat pouring and everything outside is telling you stop inside, but youve been here before, and you get this rush of ecstacy that makes your tablets seem like a raisin; and run, you run and its not like you noticed the anit-you crowd dropping off, but they dissipated when you ran out of the darkenss into the marvellous sun. you think you love me,and think i love you (and why not, so handsom and smart? like it means somthing), and your sitting there in old farm house Norfolk wondering about how to let me off lightly, then call me back when your needy, so i stopped for a moment out of a cocky sort of kindness to remind you that: the sun is shining very brightly and

when I run, warren, I run like never before.

i was thinking a little bit about how we seem to have this friend-economy, like we deal with people like we deal with our business accounts and divide up a portion from the total that seems to fit their calculated value to some supposed worth. and how cruel and professional our society. its one of my major problems with living in the west. theres a bureacratic overtone that isnt just 9-5, people carry it on with them on the train ride home and then i guess around the dinner table and so on and so forth. and i think its one of those things with nursing that im going to have to be careful that i dont become, or not too. much. my old friend, Marianne an older lady from my church who stuggles with manic depression and has done for much of her life. Scottish born and bred she has this wonderful cheeky sense of humor and a twinkle in her eye, but she gets really dark sometimes and, at the moment she is in hospital again, for this reason. and its most confronting that i dont feel like i want to visit her, becuase i know the drain im going to get, and all the negative, hopeless, i can-t-help frustrations, so i want to avoid visiting her. but i dont want to not visit her. i cant not visit her, im her friend. but fear and comfortableness are like schoolyard chums. anyway, im trying to practice more friendship than just expecting it. trying not to see the time or energy as spent or invested. its nothing to do with those kind of terms. its just giving. friendship is all and only about giving. and giving yourself.

Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.

For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise

For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry.

Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him.

But we are not of them who draw back unto perdition; but of them that believe to the saving of the soul.

i can see the future and its a place about 70 miles east of here.

i keep imagining that all of this is already over, that it hasnt lasted and lasted and just when you think its all over, lasted again. yet, when its over, thats its still lasting and lasting and will last forever. how do i describe a type of need to jump off a bridge so that i achieve some safety. except i dont want to jump and i dont want to land, i just want the free falling feeling.

i want to use out the adrenalin in my blood. except when it is spent im afraid ill sleep and sleep.

i dont imagine a cat on a lap, just alot of walking, hopefully a path that seems to have no ending.

- - - - - - -

Interviews start in July and all this buzz talk of graduation in november, now, if more than previously, i really want to run away. I always make tracks and plans and never build a bridge (in my mind). so funny, this thing i always thought i would love to build, even from when i was an airy fairy kid, a suspension bridge. haha, for a moments i forgot about fighting indians and dragons (fav. mind games), and wanted to build a suspension bridge.

i guess its time ish to realise and make a sum of achievments and grade point averages and sell yourself to a company. but i want to know more. and be more before i start calculating how bloody good i am and pitching myself against all the others. Ahhhhh Im so annoying.

and tonight, easily annoyed. I even ran in the park and was annoyed (by shin splints) and the grass was so spongy and the weather so hot and anyway, when i run its usually so sweet. just tonight i feel so bugged by everyone, but its probably just me trying coming to terms with all that i should be. by now.