Million Billion Trillion

I already feel like nursing has given so much to me, in understanding myself, how to live here, how to be a part of someone elses life, to be a professional, to be confident and humble most of all, at all times. ive read back and cringed at the excessive reflection and how inward ive become. that this bloging activity is a ginormous puddle of mud to wallow in. but things are changing.

i arrived in a foreign land 4 years ago. I do it all the time, laugh through it, fudge and create, but it just wasnt working here. they were all so good at it. and ten years younger than me. I remember watching a soap on TV and thinking how i walk onto the scene every day, people acting at me, expecting me to act back. So i just didnt bother. I hate false screens I hate madeup i hate impressions, gimics, bright lights.and it my fault for thinking that everyone was a part of the same story as me. it was a mistake. nursing has taught me to have time for people. im not even talking about alot of time, just exclusive time, and people are like rosebuds mostly. its probably just feminine sentiment but its a joy to see connectedness to have little strands of relationships here and there. i dont care what they say about professional boundaries, nursing is friendship. If I just followed the book and obeyed the protocol and met discharge criteria, i might as well build machines. I hate the inhumanity of public health theory. of philosophy in general. people will always ask, what if this was your son or mother or daughter, and the final answer changes. but, i think for me its always the same, i already think as if they were, treat them like they are my own. the phenomena of genuine giving is that the the giver is never diminished. its like mitosis, the half is the whole. when i pray its one of the things i always ask God for, somthing to be more aware of. I know the bigger picture too. My life is full of people who cross my path and the first moment they get to speak to me, want to know about God. 3 people last night. my counsin last week. one of my work collegues. my theology classes (i had to switch between three and got to talk about my Savior in all three of them(: thats 60 people...from the moment were born to dying, our paths were always going to cross! how cool. some talk about the holy moment. This is God putting me in thier way, on purpose. Its the only way I know im walking in His way. Im learning to be bold. Im usually shy and keep my thoughts to myself, diplomatic and in alot of ways, submissive to other peoples pov. Im not sure if its just a getting older thing were you dont give a damn what other people think of you anymore or that I feel more educated, but I dont really have a problem speaking up anymore, particularly on other people behalf, which is so important in nursing. Ive been making a study of history. politics and economics over the past 4 years and know so much more than I did before, I really care about what goes on and how it affects me, the people I care for and those who are marginalised by human greed. BUT now I feel like Ill speak up about it, and give my humble opinion, because there is no way i can know it all or exaclty how it all fits together, but Im more confident in my own sense of justice and my own social responsibility. i think this is a maturity thing, I never cared for such things when i was 23, but wish i had have, alot of valuable time wasted being cool. I find it hard to find other people who want to chat about big stuff with the same level of understanding. they probably know more facts etc, but the principles of listening and learning from others just eludes some people, and its usually the fanatics that will talk and talk and talk and just end up in some impossible extreme. I would just love to hear reasonable, practical ideas that can help here and now, the person next to me etc....and thats why ive loved reading Raj Patal(: I wish we had this brain function where our phiosophies could be put into a cerebral world within us, and as we postulate, our brains integrate it into a would be world...if we could foresee the effect on the littlest, least, weakest among them, then we could gague how efective that philosophy might be. without having the most precious on the dinner plate of the most vulgar. ill write more later, i have some work here to do. We had an old man into ER just now the acute cholecyctistis, he's had some morphine and metoclopromide and it seems to have taken the edge off his pain. anyway, ill finish his admission, hope for a quiet rest of the night and right some more later.