Million Billion Trillion

games that were never meant to amount to anything will finally play themselves out...

there is nothing poetic about life right now. I can't even make it up, or prick myself deep enough to find blood. but i am still very good. I am a professional me. things are 50/100 and its enough to mean that most of the time in insainly happy with life, every time a blessing is counted, there is another to be had etc...but the same things elude me. Life is going too fast for me, even though im more caught up on stuff. Its night shift 0130 and ive a mountain of admin work to do...if nights are busy and im on with the motormouth it is my strategic alternative. to save myself from the catholic nun with a million wild children. I would like even one, child, though, wild or tame.anyway, its freezing cold, the old dears are all tucked in and only up every other hour for the bathroom, so unless we get an emergency, its a long night of admin ahead. I hope for the publics sake, it is an admin night. ive lots of challenges ahead. I think alone and time is perfect for fears to arise. at other times ive done mad things without a second thought because ive been in a rush, but now ive stopped, i mean i call uni a dead HALT, it is frightening to get started again. i want to pack and leave but im afraid now of alot of things that ive never entertained before. and just because ive had time to dream this nonsense up. things seem more impossible now for some reason, who knows what. i just want to sleep. but that could be because it is 2 oclock. in the morning. my dad's an alcholic. ive said that before. and i thought it would be shocking. but its not. it cost me to say it out aloud and almost anyone doesnt know what to say about it. its such a demon. and i hate it. i dont know how it affects me, just that it makes me really sad for my dad. because i dont think of him how most people would like to think of thier dads. but how harsh is taht? imperfection is my old friend too. it may be just my job, but there is so much suffering in life, just in the day to days of some people, or a once in a lifetime but never again for some, or just some people suffer beacuse they cant recieve joy. this is what i think is the best part of what God made of me...i seem to have sqwillions of joy receptors so that anything skirting around, even remotely sends me sailing. but then i think i have melodrama recieving points too and im a sucker for a sad story, i love climbing in with the passengers aboard woe train and getting a sense of the deep end, the highs seem really high then. how lovely and disgusting i am. proverbs has a lot to say about foolishness and women. and the more i know of us, the more obvious those traits are, in me, in others. but i dont think, in honesty, i am foolish, but of course i am. but i dont want evil things or want to use someone else for myself. i guess this is good. but good enough? is the trick really to appeal to all the evil outside and be an inward beaming light? the harlot and the whore theory. do men want shakira behind closed doors and ruth in the open light? or the other way around? what am i supposed to be for you? you know. im crazy. i have all these self improvement stuff, like i want to belly dance and be size 4 and have smaller boobs, and learn to cook, and be just half as beautiful and talented as ALL the women I ever see are....i dont think guys understand somthing....in the search for perfect and beautiful THAT is 99% of women....its just the way were made...........in the search for lovely and caring and loyal..........it would suit you all to be blind.

(this is really lazy writing, but like ive said, non of this is ground ive wanted to cover, or in so much detail, or so often in time)