Million Billion Trillion

i keep imagining that all of this is already over, that it hasnt lasted and lasted and just when you think its all over, lasted again. yet, when its over, thats its still lasting and lasting and will last forever. how do i describe a type of need to jump off a bridge so that i achieve some safety. except i dont want to jump and i dont want to land, i just want the free falling feeling.

i want to use out the adrenalin in my blood. except when it is spent im afraid ill sleep and sleep.

i dont imagine a cat on a lap, just alot of walking, hopefully a path that seems to have no ending.

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Interviews start in July and all this buzz talk of graduation in november, now, if more than previously, i really want to run away. I always make tracks and plans and never build a bridge (in my mind). so funny, this thing i always thought i would love to build, even from when i was an airy fairy kid, a suspension bridge. haha, for a moments i forgot about fighting indians and dragons (fav. mind games), and wanted to build a suspension bridge.

i guess its time ish to realise and make a sum of achievments and grade point averages and sell yourself to a company. but i want to know more. and be more before i start calculating how bloody good i am and pitching myself against all the others. Ahhhhh Im so annoying.

and tonight, easily annoyed. I even ran in the park and was annoyed (by shin splints) and the grass was so spongy and the weather so hot and anyway, when i run its usually so sweet. just tonight i feel so bugged by everyone, but its probably just me trying coming to terms with all that i should be. by now.