Million Billion Trillion

i was thinking a little bit about how we seem to have this friend-economy, like we deal with people like we deal with our business accounts and divide up a portion from the total that seems to fit their calculated value to some supposed worth. and how cruel and professional our society. its one of my major problems with living in the west. theres a bureacratic overtone that isnt just 9-5, people carry it on with them on the train ride home and then i guess around the dinner table and so on and so forth. and i think its one of those things with nursing that im going to have to be careful that i dont become, or not too. much. my old friend, Marianne an older lady from my church who stuggles with manic depression and has done for much of her life. Scottish born and bred she has this wonderful cheeky sense of humor and a twinkle in her eye, but she gets really dark sometimes and, at the moment she is in hospital again, for this reason. and its most confronting that i dont feel like i want to visit her, becuase i know the drain im going to get, and all the negative, hopeless, i can-t-help frustrations, so i want to avoid visiting her. but i dont want to not visit her. i cant not visit her, im her friend. but fear and comfortableness are like schoolyard chums. anyway, im trying to practice more friendship than just expecting it. trying not to see the time or energy as spent or invested. its nothing to do with those kind of terms. its just giving. friendship is all and only about giving. and giving yourself.