Million Billion Trillion

remember we split grass and talked about the new play book
or some ibsen scene with a funny twist
Crasky and Bose checking out the hot chicks and offering luchtime tutoring
we all know the old potassium in water trick
coach had us doing suicides and running the red
we couldnt wait to make it back on thursdays for chocolate cake
and bread
the girls all excited about how similar they were to the company of spiders she wears a blue dress in the rain
troy headed out one night and when the bus came in the next day
we were all in tears
events of youth that didnt make it into the sunscreen song
the kids smoking down bush
afternoons stretched out in utopia
or dragging my french horn around school with cracks in its side from where the previous owner didnt care or had parents who didnt have to sell a kidney to let them be there
the blazer smell when your rained on
standing up for the speds in the canteen - that was me, im not saying everyone did it, i mean no one really stood up for them. was driving the backroads home, now in present time, dodging kangaroos and checking for singal, wanted to send a sms to my sis in uk. where was i goin with that? for one, my sisters tumor is shrunk! and im thrilled like. the second is that i drove past Luana's old place, and I remember thinking that somthing not right was going on there, i wonder if life was just one single pace slower, if we'd catch up on the things we miss, the BIG things we miss. Im sorry. and im still speeding by the cold night winter struck sky in my old car, for the people that say have you got a minute youd better, for your sake, give them an hour, dont bite the lip. for the people that say "iiiiiii..." give them a river cause they get swallowed whole by the emptiness, so quick.

i must own
i am tired of coming here alone


Ive not been able to sleep, thinking of all the scenario's of when im thrown into the deep end, what could come through the doors, that its just ME that has to deal with....

status asthmaticus, cardiac arrest, MVA, meningitis, psychotic emergencies....they all scare me. What if its a baby? What if its a 6 foot man with the strength of ten horses? What if there is more than 1? What if there is no doctor? No ambulance? What if I know them, their family? What if I get hurt? Or dont do the right thing? I dont know if im cut out for this...

i keep going through the cardiac drugs, keep tracing veins in my mind, keep trying to feel beneath the glove the little life bump, what if i can't get the vein? What if that women, stabbed 100 times came crawling to me? What if i cant make them breath again? and the family are all there screaming? What if i freeze or cry?

Im kinda scared about my job. I might prefer the ward afterall.

must try and sleep.
amioderone, retaplase, atropine, adrenaline, sodi bic, potassium...

can't believe how the light shone all around him
how that moment lept up at me
hooked my heart

i love these people

bent doubled, struggling on
wake to mornings of strangness

and robbed of their place
in the world they made

who dont understand busy and important
busy is getting up from thier chair

important is someone to just be there

i love these people. these dear old people.

Screamage!
I want to scream
but i live in the suburbs among civilised people

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

MV "the terrible" often makes such gems of statements, that I commit them to memory and recite them over and over, internal giggle whilst she spouts on about some "funny" story about intimidating someone or other. reality check: no one like bullies.

Also, i think back of my mind I know where the nearest crash cart is, she is textbook heartattack waiting to happen and I want to be the one administering a shock to her frontal lobe instead of her thorax due to my apparent need to "tone down the clinical and think more psychiatric". if she doesnt return to sinus rythmn ill labotomise with my pen.

oh, i must retell this one....after she has got all 8 of us "snoooty private university, young and naive" students completely offside with her complete lack of professional intell and general air of arrogance, she decides the time has come to tell the joke (to end all jokes).

"oh i have to tell you (pauses to snigger) one day i was stadning out here by the buses because this is where all the (cool) staff come to have a smoke, and I was talking on my mobile phone (again VERY cool) and the bus stopped beside me.

......(long awkward, but rewarding silence)....she had to start laughing and admit you had to be there, because the awkward turtle was approaching and if she didnt say it, he would have. (even then, we didnt "have to be there" to know that a story is not funny). So, It was a resounding so not funny from me and 7 others. she shouldve saved that for joke time (daily at 1pm). I almost walked away in protest to such an bogus effort, but beacuse i am not wanting to fail my prac, i just scoffed and raised my eyebrows as if i was wearing a pair of bifocals. not impressed. smurf.

not really a story, more of a moan. i have two days left of this semester. and if i have to do it again, ill request it be done under a general anasthetic. its all way toooooooo disturbing for me.

the end

love me
if you wondered
ive gone sailing
Into the southern ocean
At the first sign of morning

And you’re the captain
Standing on dry land still
You’ve given me directions
And no intention of seeing through

If you know you’ve sent me dreaming
Don’t just leave
And if you know theres been a moment
Don’t patronize me
With silence

I know i cant make you love me
Just darken the light
You keep me wanting
Im just asking to hear your story
And if you want to, take a walk.

If you know you’ve given me dreaming
dont claim reality now;
tell me the road is too long
and strewn with impassable danger

im sailing already
the ocean is teaming with life
im sad, you said it would be
but i cant make you love me

and its all my heart really wants.

andy told me about this place when i first got there
cross over the road, walk the path behind the footpath that runs through a woods and into an open acreage in about 500 meters. willow trees, shrubs, bunny rabbits, ducks, muddy puddles, jet streams, and, at that time, such cold cold air. andy' came and went like i never expect, still dont expect that people would/should. he lured me in by descriptions of wildness. and i ran there for many days.

A recent survey has just been conducted by a well known hospital located just South of Swarmington-on-the-Wold.

This highly biased and non-evidence based mainly-anecdotal snapshot study found that over 95% of patients responded 'positively' to the opening gambit of the health professionals attending to their needs.

In response to the question "How are you?" an alarming 24% of patients responded with "not bad"; 26% replied with "good" and a depressing 46.7% responded with "Very well, thanks".

In fact only a meager 1.3% of patients riposted in the negative with phrases such as "not so good", "could be better" or "had better days"

2% of responses were not recorded either due to the excessive use of expletives or the patient was unconscious.

I for one am appalled by the state of wellness of some of the attendees. I hope we can find a solution soon...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3P6LDC9Lx8

Love and need my Saviour

http://www.commondreams.org/newswire/2010/06/02-8

this job is such a priveledge

and whatever transitory help

i might give is just

breaths of life passed on

I am humbled by the impossibility of situations, by the completely nonscensical mathmatique of lifetimes, by the varied and beautiful people that bless the world, by the ones who get all the sadness and respond to the tinniest sense of hope. and the dark ones, the death marked ones, that defy. and i dont know why.

I am humbled to find out who God is (stil) in the middle of all this.

"thy testimonies are my delight and my counsellors...grant me thy law graciously" psalm 119:24

this job requires someone to come home to

iranian refugee slit his own throat

tears roll and roll down old mans face

someone tries to strangle you from behind

blank faces of pain that cannot begin to speak

and what do I think I can do? or say? or be? or is it all about ways to change thier brains chemistry?

I just say Hello my name is Ruth, and they begin to cry
Its so bad, you request God's immediate presence
But who am I? and who are they?
and Who is God when our backs are turned away?

So I say words like grace and mercy and love and hope
but these words are like the universe on the tip of my tongue.