Million Billion Trillion

i must own
i am tired of coming here alone


Ive not been able to sleep, thinking of all the scenario's of when im thrown into the deep end, what could come through the doors, that its just ME that has to deal with....

status asthmaticus, cardiac arrest, MVA, meningitis, psychotic emergencies....they all scare me. What if its a baby? What if its a 6 foot man with the strength of ten horses? What if there is more than 1? What if there is no doctor? No ambulance? What if I know them, their family? What if I get hurt? Or dont do the right thing? I dont know if im cut out for this...

i keep going through the cardiac drugs, keep tracing veins in my mind, keep trying to feel beneath the glove the little life bump, what if i can't get the vein? What if that women, stabbed 100 times came crawling to me? What if i cant make them breath again? and the family are all there screaming? What if i freeze or cry?

Im kinda scared about my job. I might prefer the ward afterall.

must try and sleep.
amioderone, retaplase, atropine, adrenaline, sodi bic, potassium...