Million Billion Trillion

periods of loss, aloneness and failure inevitably lead to a lot of time spent seeking God, these moments are superficially awkward and ugly, but spiritually theyre beautiful. so its never nice to go there, but its always nice to be there. thats how you can say things are hard, but life is so good, because God is so good to me. the more diminished sense of me, the more He loves and thats somthing i can't explain; God's love is life. i fail lots, so i find this out lots too.

for in the multitude of dreams and many words there are also divers vanities; but fear thou God...

for he shall not much remember the days of his life; but God answereth him in the joy of his heart.

eccl.

this is my new language
and codes that i use
when i have some harsh reality
that i want to wish away

you cant see it, but theres so much in it
i speak it just to say
there. ive said it.

now be still and know in the harshness that Someone always understands what you can't always say.

"if thou didst ever hold me in thy heart,
absent thee from felicity awhile
and in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain
to tell my story"" hamlet, v.ii

running and taking step after step and hearing breath after breath is repersonalising, (maybe i do belong in this body) and running in the outdoors is re-realising, (maybe i do belong in this world). and if this is the only place i can come to feel it, then its a little bit of me doing somthing real for once. of course its not safe. nothing is.

watched (name), like others, dissapear into black mist and just vaporise after swallowing a part
and rocks role over a cliff edge
ocean below taking parts
and churning them into eternal greens

pull back eyelids and the ones you know
arent there anymore
everyone is grown up tall and the earnst looks
are replaced by the empty of the drink they took

when they stepped, when you blinked
and it all changed

so when and where and how and why

i was taking tabelts of the tricking kind
your instantly dancing with a million strangers
who are all your closest friends that you can find
the old love and the new love are the same love
when your out of your mind

trusted with the holiest hope
vaporises into a black mist
rocks role over the cliff
eyes roll back to catch a glimpse (of what it was that you hoped for)

I'd hoped, I'd spent hours praying
that we'd be old and wise
and escape the harm, just eat the beauty of life
be with you,

so that you would never have to be alone. so that i would never have to be alone.

i keep my running things at: http://twitter.com/TheRuthlessMile which is like facebook updates on amphetamines. started doing it just to keep motivated. and sometimes the web is good when i can't be on the farm and stand in a paddock and scream, i can just quietly log on and say somthing idiodic or profound and then re-read and think i wished sometimes id just shutup. anyway, have landed firmly in it today, after bragging about how little effort i put into an assignment (doing it the hour before due), well i have to re-do it. nice work ruth.familiar tasting pie. i ran today, tonight actually and then in the rain, but i really really sucked, no energy stores but kinda kept up with lady gaga and managed to do my distance but not feel great about it. might figure that im here actually, im distracted by thoughts of running away and i have a plan too. i want to say screw education and this whole farsical nonsense and why can't people just live and learn the stuff that you can only learn by living. but this takes me back and i have to get what i came here for. did i say life is always so good, becuase what i meant by it is that it is so hard. would it be easier if i told myself not to bother thinking for the next 7 months? should i wait for my next pay packet, leave the bank with the food in my pantry and my old basketball cards (i have one that is signed, but chewed, my baby brothers got into them a while back), and then I can just hit the road?

try to get to south perth to visit j, pete and seb 1-2 a week, usually take Seb and cycle around causeway and the narrows and then play at the park (10k mostly flat ride)...its lovely. im looking for a new bike atm, my cars getting pretty old and expensive to repair.