Million Billion Trillion

i wonder if anyone else gets their most persistant thoughts when trying to go to sleep at night, or wake up from almost sleep with this need to discuss some minute feeling or some old now remembered important idea. i am worried about my sister dying and that is no small thing. i am worried that i have chosen to do the wrong thing, that i should have travelled on and followed my middle instead of forcing myself against every nerve to study and return home. it makes me feel nauseous even after so many years, now three, i feel like its living in cement, not the place just the place+me in it and the institution of learning and fitting in. it was an intersection and i couldnt have paused there anymore, i had to decide and i chose what i thought i should be doing even though it fealt enormously vague, im also raised in that baptist way that means everything that feels good is bad and everything that feels bad is good. i want to throw up. i was just listening to my ipod, kinda sad i didnt get back to the states this time around, but you know it wasnt a choice to be made in the end. i love my sister. im just remembering growing up and how wowed i always was by her, just this little kid supreme confidence that there is a world if she is in it and i dont have to worry that im just etheral, metaphysical, normal, middle, average, missable. and i think she finds me the funniest out of everyone i know, her and jasmine my next little sister. my mum is so good to me, i was looking at this photo and noticed the clothes that she had made me, how she used to make somthing out of nothing and managed to make me look pretty and girly with such a small amount. we were poor when i was younger, but in this picture i have lace sewn on my socks that meant a great big deal to me back then. you know, in my life this theme that nothing lasts, everything that ive heald materially disappears eventually and i have this ever present knowledge that whatever purpose i am here for isnt exactly a staying one, or staying in one place and stockpiling things: nomadic. its like one of those self realisaton things that you absolutely know is a revelation but it makes you scared/fearful with its realness, its omnipresence that well, you pretend its not there. its like some other things that im pretty sure i know. i know i have a fairly average intelligence. i know i have an unruly imagination. im pretty in tune with the real parts of me and well aware of the parts that i contrive. thats another thing i love about my sister, im real around her. what else do i know? that im completely ok alone. but i hate this thought because all my thoughts and a billion cares can't just be bounced of the walls. So, I know i want to love and be loved. know, that i wont just settle.
I know im meant to be a mother. for whatever reason i cringe to share that publically, it seems like theft, even to outside of the inside of myself. that is the most out that thought, that particular knowledge has ever got and it feels like ive robbed it from the deepest part of me. I know life is going to be difficult, the entire way through. I know that i will never get what i want, but that doesnt bother me, i have never gotten what i have wanted, and that because i have never known what i have wanted, besides wanting everything. but . i want my sister to live and live and live. I want the difficult parts of life to only include me and i want copious amounts of bravery, its the perfect antidote to fear. another intrinsic: i dream somthing impossible and then i struggle with it. i end up with emtpy hands. i begin and end at the square one of this world, everytime. i just thought as long as i still always feels like im running or flying, it will probably all work out ok.