Million Billion Trillion

August 26, 2009 - Wednesday

Weekly Reconsideration of Future Plans
Hello

this week i want to apply for med school/or/take post grad studies in isreal and learn arabic/hebrew/ or apply for tropical med courses at Griffith or London/ and i was thinking i would like to hang more with my peeps

take an indian cooking class

run a marathon

get really great at self-mastery

read the dozen or so books on my bedroom floor

write letters to government

hang out some more with si, drink some more splendid coffee, listen to more incredible tracks and indulge the little half of me that wants a man, a fire place and some laughter in the long evenings

i am a revolving door i swear it.
10:11 PM
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August 17, 2009 - Monday

What Have I Learned
So that Aristotle can weigh in on this persuit of Eudamonia

That God is in all things, regardless of me, but in particular for me
That my destiny is the next persons destiny, there is an implaccable oneness in mankind when Donne says no man is an island, i know the man he is talking about.

It doesnt matter how hard we try or what kind of lovely motives we might have, if God is not for it and in it, it wont succeed.

We hold a fragile flower of hapiness the day we are born into this world and the first breee and subsequent breezes blow away the petals, ragged and worn....why cant we see that hapiness is not somthing that we are grasping hold of and letting go of peice by peice, its just that grasp, the first taste of what can be.....and then on your way to recreate all your new born dreams.

We are always children. Our minds cannot be old, or old enough; at the end of our lives there are always the things remaining that we were too young to know. There are truths, we have to say that keep arriving, and departing as often as we need.

I love me, love you. God.

God is love. This is the sum total of all I have learned.
11:43 PM

August 17, 2009 - Monday

Faint Hearted
Who else faints every day? ........

....

just me?!

ive put up with it for sooooooo long it feels, i mean today it just made me cry and feel so frustrated. I had to come home and nap. missed out on my beloved global health, which i advertise to everyone and then cant even go myself

im tired of it

surgery seems like a dream to me now.
6:40 PM

August 15, 2009 - Saturday

most of every day - poetry of me
Current mood: blessed
my four sisters are all together and they're with thier boyfriends and husbands and lovers.

and they are all happy watching movies

but im here in the dining room studying

so its like they're in the next room but at the same time on the otherside of the world to me


this is smooth sailing for me

i like being here and not there

right along side them all while we rock in the bay

and soon as im done with uni ill be on my way out to sea....




3:29 PM

August 2, 2009 - Sunday

this is exciting
Current mood: dorky
blerrrrrrrrrr i cant resist.....must......not...........blog.......dammit

why do i do this to myself? so little to say, so many words to say it with!!!

what could possibly follow that up? Im at a complete lull in my melodious little life and i dont like it one bit. all my sisters are getting married and every conversation is about marriage and then a spotlight shines on me and im like "oh, me? i didnt know we had to?" im ALWAYS late

this week in classes for four classes I arrived late, one of them 15 minutes late, interrupted the lab class with my dramatic entry, when my cell phone rang, then i sat down quickly, looked around, recognised no one.....dawning feeling.......im in the wrong bloody class

sorry guys

lately i feel like im over Andy and Braam broken heart creepishness enough to think that yeah! i want to risk everything again for the sake of the ONE and I mean ive been the worlds most stubborn sad sorry person now for looooooong time, so

universe?(im talking to you)

Bring it.

- - - - - - - - - im back on.........

August 31, 2009 - Monday

fears occupying thought space at early hours of the nights
a verandah overlooking an open feild
steaming cup of tea
chairs pulled out from the table
leftovers in the fridge
mozarts moonlight sonata
the dog's bed
three open books on the coffee table
curtains blowing in the breeze

a million curtailing thoughts

how paradise can be a nightmare

if I find myself alone

September 22, 2009 - Tuesday

Ideas of Love
you like the flicker of longing in his blue eyes?
the brief hand holding recognition before his victory speech

you like driving home in the dark comfortablness of his car
a phone call to make sure your asleep

he likes perhaps the moment of surrender most
blink of unbelieving that this could happen to her

he likes the smallness i suppose
and the softness

they could both stare at eachother without blinking
forever
and learn somthing new every second

for them the other seems like an impossible genuis

the strongest and most fragile thing God ever created

a very breakable thread and fist around it.

this is lovely!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekQZPozjCX8

heathrow: dreaadful feeling of foreboding. i mean i can't think why. 12 hours flight. 17 hour layover. 7 hour flight. arrive and go to uni. anyway, waiting for gatecall and writing on the only note paper available from WH Smiths which is fat lines and I have writing on fat lines. it really bothers me. see, this could ruin my day, but you know its time to force yourself to enjoy things in a new and different way.

bangkok - 4 hours in
what a run around. thai ariways suck to me right now. there was no inflight entertainment, NOTHING, not even a reading light, you had to get up and wander the cabin to find a flight attendant to get a drink of water because they make you throw away the water that you have just bought in duty free!(?)anway, now ive managed to avoid immigrating to thailand for less than a day, i found a cheapish place to get a massage which was all the clicking and clapping that made me laugh and lighten up a bit (seriously!) reminded me of kathmandu laughing fit and yeah. you know im always quite proud of having tight muscles and difficult to massage, its some sort of validation that i am definietly the hardest worker etc. then i figured out the my AUSD, GBP and bhat could afford a 20 minute shower and SO SO heavenly to be clean - teeth and hair and everything!masseused and moisturised and toned feel readier to face the next 24 hrs of not really being here, lost in transit, discovering old starbucks in new places which still tastes like old dishwater and the most important discovery of all - the Cardinal Rule of Time Waste Management is: never do two things at once!

7 Hour Mark
ideas for time spending:
1. try to buy coffee +/- 1hr(different surroundings count as sensory stimulus)
2. do all currency exchange calculations in head - +/- 1 hr (0:
2. apply face mask in bathroom, brush teeth, re-do hair - 20 mins
3. listen to i-pod, 1/2 hr allowances
4. walk up and down +/- 20 minutes
5. browse shops, spray myself with favorite perfume, pretend im going to buy items, 20mins
6. re-arrange bags, 10 mins
7. try to sleep (no specific time alloted, however, important to note that i am usually too nosey to sleep in busy places)
8. try to find internet that takes pound coins (even though ive looked and looked, and can't find its a valuable occupation in absense of anything at all to do)
9.ticketing (opens at 5am) aim to be last in que so that more time is spent doing this one thing
11. write ((ewww) on thickly lined paper)
12. read The Value of Nothing (raj patal) - how to reshape market society and redefine democracy (all the while wishing i was rich enough at this particular time to be a consumer of anything) - actually a really excellent read.
10. wait at departure gate - 1 hr

Thought post: roughly 12 hr mark: was sitting, staring off into space, sudden urge to smoke some lovely leaf, as it is a known high quality time waster.

airport magazina exerpt: "she, recovering from a broken heart, he the loss of his brother, together they will pervert thier futures..." editorial note: pervert or change?

0600 - exciting update
ticketed, boarding pass in situ, grande cappacino! this my friends, is almost a wrap. as i sit here in the united states of starbucks sipping my coffee just so happy that they accept the old GBP! its coffee - ish and hot and im into the final moments of what has been, if nothing else, a little glimpse of what pergatory might be like (clue: long)

somtime later: blow out your candles folks, im sailing home! whoa! (? transit delirium)

song on my i-pod
"all i want is You
all i crave is You
I will run the race set before me
I will seek your face as the prize of my life"

Flight en route to Perth: almost celebrated too soon back there...i was the LAST REMAINING PASSENGER! yes! i know! after waiting 18 hours (in the end) i almost missed my flight

perth. hot. humid. broke. at a loss feeling. sleep............

i wonder if anyone else gets their most persistant thoughts when trying to go to sleep at night, or wake up from almost sleep with this need to discuss some minute feeling or some old now remembered important idea. i am worried about my sister dying and that is no small thing. i am worried that i have chosen to do the wrong thing, that i should have travelled on and followed my middle instead of forcing myself against every nerve to study and return home. it makes me feel nauseous even after so many years, now three, i feel like its living in cement, not the place just the place+me in it and the institution of learning and fitting in. it was an intersection and i couldnt have paused there anymore, i had to decide and i chose what i thought i should be doing even though it fealt enormously vague, im also raised in that baptist way that means everything that feels good is bad and everything that feels bad is good. i want to throw up. i was just listening to my ipod, kinda sad i didnt get back to the states this time around, but you know it wasnt a choice to be made in the end. i love my sister. im just remembering growing up and how wowed i always was by her, just this little kid supreme confidence that there is a world if she is in it and i dont have to worry that im just etheral, metaphysical, normal, middle, average, missable. and i think she finds me the funniest out of everyone i know, her and jasmine my next little sister. my mum is so good to me, i was looking at this photo and noticed the clothes that she had made me, how she used to make somthing out of nothing and managed to make me look pretty and girly with such a small amount. we were poor when i was younger, but in this picture i have lace sewn on my socks that meant a great big deal to me back then. you know, in my life this theme that nothing lasts, everything that ive heald materially disappears eventually and i have this ever present knowledge that whatever purpose i am here for isnt exactly a staying one, or staying in one place and stockpiling things: nomadic. its like one of those self realisaton things that you absolutely know is a revelation but it makes you scared/fearful with its realness, its omnipresence that well, you pretend its not there. its like some other things that im pretty sure i know. i know i have a fairly average intelligence. i know i have an unruly imagination. im pretty in tune with the real parts of me and well aware of the parts that i contrive. thats another thing i love about my sister, im real around her. what else do i know? that im completely ok alone. but i hate this thought because all my thoughts and a billion cares can't just be bounced of the walls. So, I know i want to love and be loved. know, that i wont just settle.
I know im meant to be a mother. for whatever reason i cringe to share that publically, it seems like theft, even to outside of the inside of myself. that is the most out that thought, that particular knowledge has ever got and it feels like ive robbed it from the deepest part of me. I know life is going to be difficult, the entire way through. I know that i will never get what i want, but that doesnt bother me, i have never gotten what i have wanted, and that because i have never known what i have wanted, besides wanting everything. but . i want my sister to live and live and live. I want the difficult parts of life to only include me and i want copious amounts of bravery, its the perfect antidote to fear. another intrinsic: i dream somthing impossible and then i struggle with it. i end up with emtpy hands. i begin and end at the square one of this world, everytime. i just thought as long as i still always feels like im running or flying, it will probably all work out ok.

feels good to have that over , the suckiest valentines ever. now i can concentrate on enjoying every other day that will be, at the very least, better than this historic low.

------------

at cafe nero staring out of the window and at the lovely form of my cappacino with chocolate dust at the patisserie and winter coats the young women doting on her little babe, a group of gingernuts, someone pushing on the pull door, old lady with her oldish son who she is calling 'ticker, dear' and she sounds like the queen. this is lasting. smart car followed by what i think must be a dumb car, a devout scrouge for a valentine, my driver who was watching soft porn whilst taking me to the station (his merc has a driverside tv...) and one hopes that concerns for safety were not responsible for diminishing his viewing pleasure. guy with over zealous limp for mildly bruised ankel. danii minougue gracing the cover of vogue, drunk man telling truths to passers by who walk down the high street to be noticed, but heavens, not by him! duck! he sees you! he sees everyone, everything. then theres my obsession, my financial repression and a million well timed shares in mr tunnocks teacakes.
life is really good, really good. God is really kind.

but seriously, this is not really about love just dissapointment and not of the love game, i mean i thought i would detest the idea of being alone in this cold old land on valenties day, so i thought it would be nice to invite my old (he's younger) buddy over for the weekend, grand ideas of being a good host, nice catchup with cool conversations. strike it all!!! im so mad. the WHOLE weekend he talked about himself. I waited for 40mins in the cold freezing cold in traf square, he teased me seriously about my new red hat, which i love and its, well, new, and then he teased me about my converse skeakers and then about being old and dressing like im a kid. so anyway, we wandered a little, he talked, talked talked, no listening involoved, and then we ate at a restaurant of HIS choice, where i paid because i would have insisted on paying my half, but when he was so reluctant to pay his part i offered and thought what the heck, its nice to be able to do this once in a while, he was rude to the waitress, and talked about his broken heart the whole meal, which was mexian food, and i really dont like mexican food very much. anyway concert time, my recommendation, my PURCHASE, my 'honor' i thought to introduce music i like to someone else (let me re-iterate this is not some unrequited love rage)he just lacks basic manners. hes an american too, just too convienient for words. anyway, he was not forthcoming with offering to pay for his ticket, and perhaps im proud of whatever, but i wore the cost of it, no probs. just feeling a little piss take at that moment, as when i suggested a round of drinks, he was also happy to let me pay and not return the round. exasperated. still we mosey on, his talking talking talking and im just trying to get a word in and finishing off what im saying regardless of wether he has taken a breath or not. we get home, not i must listen to his music, 1000 billion songs that i should hear. ok. its 4 am. much wine, i must go to bed, i have plans for sunday which is now, being a good host (and its somthing that im trying and getting better at, but im really trying here) cook a big breakfast (bacon, eggs, toast, pain au chocolat, much coffee, elderberry water (pretentious snob!), muslei, berries, yoghurt - see!!! anyway, he slept until 1 pm....1pm!!! ahhhh, i wanted to do my run but had to sit about waiting for him to get up, 4 hours later, then i made breakfast. and im a slow eater.......HE DUG in and started eating all my food!!! what a guts! so im like whatever, i think hes managed to mention that ive put on weight anyway, i so im hesitant to eat everythin on my plate, but i mean i just felt my food was always being eyed-off. talking more talking, more him talking. i showered whilst he was talking about afghanistan. he did not shower. i offered him towels. pointless exercise for people not in favor of hygeine. he was still talking about afghanistan when i walked back down the stairs and proposed a walk in the deer park. no. he'd rather play mario cart. ok. i hate it, like the worst thing ever, besides wwf (apart from in nacho libre) then 5 oclock comes around, i wanted to go to the store for supplies, no, he thinks he's going to leave on the train tonight. fine. can't send guest home hungry. pack snacks for him. we'll get dinner on the way to town. reluctance to pay bill, hm, guess who paid??!! and who paid for all the tazxi's? he didnt even offer!!! so we eat, he eyes off my food, im tired of it all, eat 1/3 of it, give him the rest, conversation greed again, talking about issues we pretty much agreed on, only he wasnt listening to me so he was arguing with me as if i didnt agree and if he had have listened i made the same concise point in 10seconds that he managed to make after 1 hour (of shear pain - for me) and then he wants to walk to the train station to save money on cab, so now i must walk with him (its freezing and its dark so i have to walk back by myself in the freezing dark from the dodgy part of town back home again.) we get lost, late, have to run, so im runnin 2 miles into chav town in the wrong direction, its MY fault, call taxi to fetch us and take us to station (my original idea) and finally to train station. i went to go draw money for the rest of the week (my account balance SO low now) and overhear him bitching and bargaining with the train guy about the price of a one way ticket to london¬!!!!!!!! im like youve got to be fucking kidding me!!! youve spent a grand total of £10 the WHOLE weekend and off loaded all your emotional bullshit on me and your complainging about the fricking price of a ticket!!!! so anyway, its 19:35 valentines, im broke, home alone (why didnt i think of this?) and soooooo mad right now. and i have all this bullshit to spill, so finally blogging has a use. blogs are supposed to be used though, people are not, right? what a bloody awful freaking weekend.

'Waited for hours, hours turn to days, days to to years, I'm still here

'trodden in the ground like dead leaves, noone can fix the broken machine, we're only part of the bigger scene.'

Pt Douglas: i was just saying how much i love a good monsoon and so love that about FNQ, FL an Uttar Pradesh. earlier in the evening i swam in the pool with some rain drops and feeling like I wanted to meet Olga in person. Walked to town with Luke who is antsy to check his facebook and i have about $3 in my pocket which i will give to him, clemency.

"Jesus said: I am the resurrection and the life; he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. and whosever liveth and believeth in me shall never die, believest thou this?"

Johor Bahru: should be thinking about how malaysia looks in the this light, but im scared of seeing london again. like, i can do it, i wont not do it, but i know those ghosts will be there and ill have to remind them that, he is dead as a winter vine and spring for him will never come again, but for me it will push through the sodden ground at the first sight of sun.

Vernon Scannell: And in that city through a forked November, love like a Catherine Wheel delighted me.... (i LOVE this)

Horitzontal Craving
As always on a long haul flight, i have this mouth watering imagination of lying horizontal. the thought of horizontal, i may say, even though only an imagination, tastes better than the 'real' fruit pancakes and chicken sausages that Thai airway serve up in thier little tinseled parcels with plastic knives and forks. Im sure the hostess pointed me to the wrong seat. my seat is supposed to be horizontal.

SNOWING!!!
its wet! I don't think I knew that until now, not really, but my coat is soaking and my hair is wet and i walked past people in the street that used their umbrellas for the snow, i never thought you had to. AND they really are crystals! I thought that was just cartoonisd, but its real and mesmorising. I wrote Emilio yesterday. I dont know why, but he wrote back today and now Im nervous about meeting him again. I only know what I dont want when its already happening. anyway, im in Nonna's. Its wet! I have a runny nose! and such dry sore lips! and im LOVING the snow(0: meeting Sascha in covent garden on sat. gunna carve out some pristine new times and share genuine happiness in a place that, for me, holds hands with the dead enemy who ruled his army brutally. Warm, sipping on coffee at Nonnas I can feel (what? you dont believe me that I can actually feel this) him slipping away, the more sure I get of it, the more he vaporises and apart from it, this moment is so fantastic that i wish it would last......im strong and brave.

----
coffee time
hopping bird
sitting on my table
making eye contact with passers by
as if to say
quit looking at her: she's with me

------

cairns lagoon
shrivelled prune!
fat maori man
thin junkie man
make jokes about longevity

lovers lock lips
hands benesth the water slips
sun shining on families with no fathers

i can make this sound
tragic or magic

two brothers play
"he is the evil king
tearing on my arm to death"

beneath it or above it all
some hellish darkness
lives quietly beside us

in all the beauty and happiness of life
there is an infinite sadness among these children
who laugh and love in the light of day.

------

ill write more later, on my trip to Uk. i love you and i want to tell you that your letters are treasures and your poems make me weak at the knees.