Million Billion Trillion

the sun beat down on my hair and i felt it warm and soaking into the back of my neck, it sent warmth through my body like an small wave a cooling shore and I thanked God I was alive and bothered to go outside for a walk. It was for the fresh air originally and there is somthing incredibly funky about Moby's song 'Extreme ways' and 'jam for the ladies' which i also wanted to play on my discman. Discman is the coolest thing left over from the 80's - that and the lingering tingle of Buzzlightyear's kiss on my check from my visit to Disneyland. everyone else only got a hug. so you see my first kiss was stolen by a american animation character on minimum wage. was i framed? I used to make my own pencil cases, scrunchies and cushions (i think the general patten was exact and easily adapted), and i could pretty much sit there and churn out at least 10 of any one product in a day. I was a little factory. That is where my domestic skills leave me though. Cooking is a disaster area, my dad doesnt even let me make him coffee. I dont make scrunchies anymore but that whole tangent was coming off the 80's thing....so back on track. My aim was to ramble to Popeswood which is a clearing of grass after overgrown greeeness and undergrowth, there is a minging pond with bullreeds and trees and a grassy place to sit. So there are people that walk there and take there children there to play and its generally a nice little english place to go where the sun only peaks out behind the clouds sporadically and like ive said - its so warming. I turned to a place in my Bible becuase Im back under the Juniper tree and need the still small voice. Why? when God has promised me so much and guided me through so much, do I still sit here and second guess. This whole year has been pain for as much as I can remember. Important things have not mattered. There has been opportunity soaked in every day and I just wanted to whimper. how crazy! of course that sounds bleak and maybe that is just my recollection, especially when I remember Braaam and how this burned me. Burns me still. Does NOT consume. grace and mercy from God. and now reflection of the days shows happiness and stillness when I percieved a storm and chaos. So much can happen if we just keep silent and listen. listen to the right voices. You know, every second of the day is potentially a moment when our Creator wants to talk with us. Like those nights of anguish when we cant sleep, we toss and turn and switch the T.V. on or read a book, or just cry until we eventually fall asleep. but those moments, precious becuase so fleeting, so easily filled, could have been a moment with God - could have been all the strenght and clarity you need for tomorrow and a quiet sleep tonight. God's word has every answer and God Himself is avaiable all the time. Why, tell me why? do i forget to pray? sometimes more than neglect, sometimes neglect. God, I pray forbid it that I should turn from following after you (like Ruth said to Naomi). I just pray this whenever I think of it, like sitting by the minging pond and reading the Proverbs becuase I need instruction imminently. But where can the instruction go if my heart is not listening? "How shall they survive if they neglect so great salvation?" Our helper is ever present and love is defined by Him. "Psalm 48:14 For this God is our God for ever and ever, he will be our guide even unto death." This is my own reminder. maybe every time the sun beats down on my back and makes me warm, i can remember this too. but i live in england, so maybe not. Once again in the grateful place, tonight i can sleep and tomorrow take the next baby step, alive with courage.