Million Billion Trillion

Maybe this is especially just for me. If all else leaves, If i leave all, there will always be this:

I was young when i heard a storey about the Patriach, Abraham, willing to sacrifice his son to appease the justified wrath of his God. I had all the notions of God and Jesus that a child of nine might imagine, just stories and clippings of a far bigger picture. And I heard the storey again and it crossed my mind that this all might be relevant to me. For an ensign these Words will answer any question I might ever have about my salvation, because it was these Words that saved my soul: "And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the place of his son. And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah jireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the LORD it shall be seen." Gen 22:13-14

So I understood, my blood is required for redemption, but there is One who will take my place, not a ram caught in a thicket beacuase "niether by the blood or goates and calves, but by his own blood he entered in once into the holy place, having obtained eternal redemption for us." Hebrews 9:12. And I prayed to God as I sat there on the carpet in my bedroom, and thanked him for His only son who He sacrificed, whose blood is the atonement for my sin.

Peace is this. Knowing that I have heaven as my home, that 'neither hieght, depth, angels, powers, principalities, nor things present nor things to come will be able to separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus my LORD.'

So, i can come here to find a humble place, take off my shoes, kneel on holy ground, where angels hush their singing, and remember the God of creation is the God of my soul. Sometimes I can hardly breathe. " Before Abraham was I Am".

i have to mention that there is a certain pressure to be profound on these things, and sometimes i just cant deliever.

So freakin' typical day. but great. Work has been such a drag for about three weeks now and this day to day oppression is slowly constructing the realization that the integrity of my blood-brain barrier for reception work is compromised. i acutally really don't like it. I found an internship for the World Bank based in D.C. which sounds really interesting, superly so. It means that id have to get my masters in somthing, which means finishing at least one undergrad, which is where i fall short. might look at studying somthing like public health. newly interested in Podiarty though too. well see. do you think they need someone to file the feet of third world diplomats? maybe i could step in? i just dont want to answer their freakin' phone, or organize thier taxi. that would suck like reception. This can be my new phrase of comparision. Like," how bad is somthing? well, it sucks like reception." These library staff are really loud. feels like in in Pizza Hut or somthing. somewhere that is so loud, you cant concentrate on what your doing. Well, all this thought about the after life (after reception) but i really just want to travel every speck of the globe, find a job that is helping people and fulfiling in that sense and have a little family and live a little life. its not that hard hey? yet, its finding that crucial 'point of reference' which is taking all my time. I wander the cobbled streets, maybe even in circles, and can't even find a place to begin. But this is exploration, however void of direction. About that exploration and life, T.S.Eliot:

"We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, unremembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always
—A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one."

Wish I could write like Eliot. If only I could write like Eliot hey?